Read My Liver Lips

HOLLYWOOD:  TARA REID'S liver has had it!  Sources say the ornery organ shimmied out of Tara's beautiful backside while the bumbling boozanista guzzled a bottle of Bubblegum Stoli!  The lively liver snatched Tara's Blackberry and texted "Save me!" to DR. DREW!

Face Value

HOLLYWOOD: The bad economy has hit everybody!  Even the rich and fabulous!  Sources say, LATOYA JACKSON just got a Recessionista Rhinoplasty! The daffy diva drove her Hot Pink Escalade past the hospitals and right into a pumpkin patch, where she got her latest nose job from toothless pumpkin carver, PA COTTONWOOD!  Sources say Latoya asked for "The Triangle."  She looks great!...The Great Pumpkin, that is!

Lowdown Lohan Lands Lucrative Lug-Work

HOLLYWOOD: Father of the Year, MICHEAL LOHAN scores big gig as spokesman!  Sources say MiLo is is now the face of Summers Eve Douche Bags!  Ecstatic Summers Eve execs explain, "Takes one to know one!"

Smiley Miley Does Dwarves

DISNEYLAND:  Jailbait juggernaut, MILEY CYRUS was recently spotted in Snow White's Cottage, Disneyland,  doling lap-dances to the Seven Dwarves!  Talk about a Happy Ending!  When Miley's work was done, they were re-named: Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy and Dopey!  (Dopey's gay!)

Passion of the Creep

HOLLYWOOD:  MEL GIBSON is at it again!  Sources say the babbling booze-bag was recently spotted stumbling into an FAO Schwarz, screaming that Big Toy had been "taken over by the Jews!" while attacking a toy store employee who was wearing a cuddly HELLO KITTY costume!  The frightened feline flailed feebly as manical Mel repeatedly kicked her in the coccyx, screaming that Big Kitty had been "taken over by the Japs!"