Batty Brangelina Buys Bushel of Bargain-Basement Babies

HAITI:  Baby Hoarders, BRAD PITT and ANGELINA JOLIE, shopped 'til they ker-plopped at an Hapless Haitian Orphanage! According to sources, the HAITIAN GOVERNMENT gave the Maternal Maniacs 15 minutes to fill their shopping cart with as many Diaper Dumpers as they could get their gorgeous mitts on!  Snatching-up a reported 45 Spitter-Uppers, the Devastating Duo chose paper over plastic.

Frugal Fergie Fudges Funds

LONDON:  Desperate Discount Duchess, FERGIE, is reportedly living out of a delapidated double-decker bus in lower London's Meat-Pie District!  London Locals have dubbed the dump "Suckingham Palace," claiming the Daffy Duchess of Yuck has traded her tiara for a tinfoil hat!  And dining on the discarded fish-n-chips of a nearby Mickey-D's dumpster!  God Save the Unclean!

Oafish Oprah Bubble-Bathes Bewildered Bieber

CHICAGO:  Dieting Deity, OPRAH WINFREY was recently spotted in her Harpo Studio bubble-bath, mistakenly using eensy-tweensy, JUSTIN BIEBER as a loofa for her bulbous back-sack! 
Though shaken, JUSTIN, said it was an honor to sluff such a big celebrity, adding, "I loved him in Shrek."