Eating for Two, Purging for One

Uh-mazing!

HOLLYWOOD:  RACHEL ZOE has a new "project"...she's preggers!  The fashionista stick-figure was recently spotted on the red carpet, wearing a Prada maternity muu-muu with matching mules!  According to sources, Rachel's water broke, but it weren't no water!  Rachel unloaded a gallon of Starbucks soy latte!  A bewildered and coffee-spattered Rachel observed, "Buh-nanas!"

Oompa Loompa Doompity Don't

NEW JERSEY:  SNOOKI'S got a sweet tooth!  The "Jersey Shore" star was recently spotted in the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory, groping every Oompa Loompa she could get her itty-bitty mitts on!  "They're my people!" she squealed, "We're the same size and color!"  According to sources, the pint-sized guidette was lifting her shirt, when she fell ass-backwards into a river of chocolate which led to a massive chocolate recall!  A spokesman for the Wonka Factory held a press conference, explaining, "Snooki contaminated countless millions of chocolate bars with her Human Papilloma Virus!"  Uh-oh, Fans!  Don't be surprised if your next candy bar gives you a lip sore!

Boyle Busted in Bus Bashing

Push it!

LONDON:  Warbling wall-flower, SUSAN BOYLE, has such strength...super-human strength, that is!  According to sources, the would-be drag-king was recently spotted hoisting a double-decker bus over her head to the amazement and delight of on-lookers!  With a tribal howl, the walrus-wannabe threw the massive vehicle into the Thames River with an earth shattering ker-splash!  It took twelve London police officers, armed with cattle-prods, to force the ballistic Boyle into the back of a paddy-wagon! When asked why she did it, a panting, sweating and disoriented Boyle explained, "Me hungry!"

Family Affair

Viagra, anyone?

HOLLYWOOD:  Oscar-winner, MORGAN FREEMAN, 72, and granddaughter/girlfriend (or "grand-friend") E'DENA HINES, 27, are celebrating an anniversary!  The age-differing duo met in 1983, when Morgan, 55, and E'Dena, 0, really hit it off!  According to sources, the two were recently spotted sharing an elegant evening at the Beverly Hills Hotel, where Morgan gave E'Dena an anniversary present befitting a granddaughter...a dollar!

Nut Job

Fill 'er up!

HOLLYWOOD:  MEG RYAN has a chubby...cheeks that is!  The former movie-star was recently spotted, atop an oak tree, stuffing acorns in her pudgy puss!  When papparazzi asked if Meg was squirreling away the nuts for winter, Meg explained, "No!  (slurp!)  I just can't afford fillers!"  According to sources, Meg is in talks with Alvin and the Chipmunks to star in Sleepless in Seattle...The Squeakquel!

What a Pill

Fun!

HOLLYWOOD:  DR. DREW has an addiction...to addicts!  The hunky medicine-man was recently spotted at the Hard Rock Cafe, sneaking up to ridiculous rocker, COURTNEY LOVE!  According to sources Dr. D through a sack over Courtneys' head as she kicked and screeched like a witch burning!  Later, in Dr. Drew's Sober House, the good doctor strapped sweaty Courtney to hospital gurney!  "Courtney,"  he said,  "pill-popping is a disease."  Courtney brightened, "You got a pill for that?"

Call a Spade a Spade

Brilliant!

HOLLYWOOD:  Funnyman, DAVID SPADE isn't kidding...when it comes to acting!  According to sources, the "Just Shoot Me" star uses the Stanislavski Method, insisting no one enter his trailer for hours at a time, as he labors to truly embody that signature snarky aloofness!  One unamed source said, "David was really focused during the shooting of his Sprite commercial.  It isn't just a paycheck to him.  He takes it very seriously as an artist and as a human being."  Nodding in agreement was David's super-model girlfriend, INGA SHMORGAN, with whom he is dating for her mind!