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HOLLYWOOD: CHARLIE SHEEN is at it again!  The "Two and a Half Men" star took his kids to the country fair, where he power-slammed several ciders before stumbling behind the wheel of a bumper-car!  According to sources, the Hollywood bad-boy was power-bumping sobbing children in an apple-enduced rage, before busting through the walls of the ride and onto the LA freeway!  After a 30 mile chase by LA Police, Charlie crashed!  When police pulled a disoriented Charlie out of the wreckage, he was covered in cotton candy and, inexplicably, nude!  As Charlie looked down at his junk he inquired, "Where's my wallet?"

Who Nose?

Disgusting!

HOLLYWOOD: Werewolf hunk, TAYLOR LAUTNER is really letting himself go!  And his fans are freaking out!  According to sources the werewolf hunk has a nose hair!  That's right!  Albeit, up his nose and out of view, a nose hair nonetheless! Teary-eyed tween, and Taylor fan, TIFFANY LUTZ explains, "Just knowing it's there! OMFG! It's just the grossest!" FANS! DON'T PANIC! Taylor's publicist insists that the offending nosehair will be removed immediately and also assures us that Taylor "doesn't go to the bathroom."  Thank heaven!

Spade Gets Nuetered



Spade



Peepee-Pants



HOLLYWOOD: DAVID SPADE is having a ball...removed, that is!  The Sprite spokesman was recently spotted at the Hollywood Veterinary Clinic with his super-model girlfriend's puppy, Mister Peepee-Pants!  But there was a kooky mix-up! According to sources, the animal doctor mistook Spade for Peepee-Pants, giving him a junkectomy and rabbies shot!  Spade told papparazzi, in a very squeaky voice, "It totally blows, dudes.  Now, when I go to lick my wad?  Nothin'!"  Bad boy!

Man-o-Gram

Jugs Nicholson!

HOLLYWOOD: JACK NICHOLSON got the boobie prize...a mammogram that is! According to sources, the Academy Award winner shimmied his D-cup mud-flap into a mammography unit the size of a Belgian waffle iron! Great news, Fans! The Doc gave Jack a clean bill of health! Except for one thing...He has a creamy center!

Ballot-Box Block-head

Duh-lightful!

WASILLA:  Baby Daddy, LEVI JOHNSTON, is on the run...for Mayor, that is! The dim-witted Playgirl model held a press conference to discuss his up-&-coming campaign!  When reporters asked Levi what his platform was, he looked down at the floor and said, "Wood?"  When asked what his party was, he exclaimed, "Birthday party! Fun!"  When asked who his inspiration was, "Mayor McCheese!  He yummy for me?"  According to sources, Levi started drooling and focusing in on the shiny, shiny microphone in front of him! As the press shouted more questions, a listless Levi responded, "Pretty-pretty?" 

Eating for Two, Purging for One

Uh-mazing!

HOLLYWOOD:  RACHEL ZOE has a new "project"...she's preggers!  The fashionista stick-figure was recently spotted on the red carpet, wearing a Prada maternity muu-muu with matching mules!  According to sources, Rachel's water broke, but it weren't no water!  Rachel unloaded a gallon of Starbucks soy latte!  A bewildered and coffee-spattered Rachel observed, "Buh-nanas!"

Oompa Loompa Doompity Don't

NEW JERSEY:  SNOOKI'S got a sweet tooth!  The "Jersey Shore" star was recently spotted in the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory, groping every Oompa Loompa she could get her itty-bitty mitts on!  "They're my people!" she squealed, "We're the same size and color!"  According to sources, the pint-sized guidette was lifting her shirt, when she fell ass-backwards into a river of chocolate which led to a massive chocolate recall!  A spokesman for the Wonka Factory held a press conference, explaining, "Snooki contaminated countless millions of chocolate bars with her Human Papilloma Virus!"  Uh-oh, Fans!  Don't be surprised if your next candy bar gives you a lip sore!