Practical Choke

Suprise!

HOLLYWOOD: ASHTON KUTCHER got the last laugh!  According to sources, the kooky hunk was face-first in a hot-tub of hotties, motorboating the boobies of fun-loving slut-waitress TIFFANY BOOZLER, when, all of a sudden, who should come bursting through the door? Why it's Ashton's cougar-wife, DEMI MOORE, alongside an MTV camera crew!  Ashton got Punk'd!  After everyone shared a good yuk, Ashton tweeted, "Aww, sHt! my Kreer'z in trUbl!"

Jack Off All Trades

Fingered!

GOSSIP GOSSIP GOSSIP!  POLITICAL EDITION

DELAWARE:  Teabagger, GOVERNOR CHRISTINE O'DONNELL won't flog the donkey...and I ain't talkin' Democrats!  According to sources the wack-a-doodle witchy-poo is running for Senate on an anti-monkey-spanking platform!  Lucky for Christine, teenaged boys are too young to vote!  When questioned by the press, a "tight-lipped" O'Donnell declared, "Look at me!  Would you want to jerk this off?!"  Is that a lever in your voting booth, or are you just glad to see me?! 

Escape from Galcatraz

BEL AIR: LINDSAY LOHAN is back in the clink!  But not for looong!  The incarerationista was recently spotted tunnelling her way out of her cell...with her itty-bitty little coke spoon!  According to sources, the sassy starlet has managed to tunnel through her cell wall, two whole inches!  Looking fabulous in orange coveralls and a pair of high-heeled crocs, LILO told reporters, "If I could only get my seven day sentence extended to 100 years, I just know I could bust out of here!"  But prison officials say LINDSAY is having a heck of a time snorting all that debris! 

Gothic Gossip Girl Goes Garbage Gobbling

NEW YORK:  Star of TV's "Gossip Girl", TAYLOR MOMSEN, has really let all that mascara go to her head!  According to sources, the raccoon-wannabe was recently spotted, face-first, in a Manhattan trash-can foraging for scraps!  The brooding beauty was reportedly using her opposable thumbs to nibble on a chicken skin, when local officials shooed her away!  Says one New York cop, "She hissed at us, used a glob of tar to reapply, and disappeared into the backdoor of the Marquee Nightclub!"  Somebody needs a rabies shot!  You go girl!

The View Moo

NEW YORK: BARBARA WALTERS is having a cow...heart!  Babs is back at "The View" after her human heart was successfully replaced with a shiny new cow valve!  But, according to sources, Babs has been acting a little funny lately!  Wearing a Tiffany cowbell and chewing a wad of Godiva cud, wacky Walters insists that her dressing room be fashioned with a trough of Veuve Clicquot mimosas!  As if that wasn't enough, culinary gremlin, RACHAEL RAY, was recently caught by ABC security, Babs Tipping!

Double Down-Size

HOLLYWOOD: HEIDI MONTAG needs to get something off her chest...Her chest!   The fake reality starlet is getting her Z-cups "paired" down!  According to sources, Heidi worked out a deal with the good people at Mattel!  All liquid plastic guzzled from Heidi's jello molds will be sucked into a boob tube and fed into the Mattel factory, where it will be used in the production of over 5,000 Malibu Barbies!  Wow, Heidi, you must feel renewed...and renewable!

She's a She

HOLLYWOOD:  This just in!  JAMIE LEE CURTIS has a vagina!  I repeat: Jamie Lee Curtis has a vagina!  According to sources, the Activia Spokesman/woman, who has been posing as a hermaphrodite for the past 52 years, has been outed by Gynocologist to the Stars, DR. EUGENE GLICKER in his tell-all book: Read My Lips: An Inside Look with Dr. Va-Jay-Jay! now available at Waldenbooks!  A befudled Curtis shouted at a crowd of paparazzi, "Keep yer pants on!"