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HOLLYWOOD: CHARLIE SHEEN is at it again!  The "Two and a Half Men" star took his kids to the country fair, where he power-slammed several ciders before stumbling behind the wheel of a bumper-car!  According to sources, the Hollywood bad-boy was power-bumping sobbing children in an apple-enduced rage, before busting through the walls of the ride and onto the LA freeway!  After a 30 mile chase by LA Police, Charlie crashed!  When police pulled a disoriented Charlie out of the wreckage, he was covered in cotton candy and, inexplicably, nude!  As Charlie looked down at his junk he inquired, "Where's my wallet?"

Who Nose?

Disgusting!

HOLLYWOOD: Werewolf hunk, TAYLOR LAUTNER is really letting himself go!  And his fans are freaking out!  According to sources the werewolf hunk has a nose hair!  That's right!  Albeit, up his nose and out of view, a nose hair nonetheless! Teary-eyed tween, and Taylor fan, TIFFANY LUTZ explains, "Just knowing it's there! OMFG! It's just the grossest!" FANS! DON'T PANIC! Taylor's publicist insists that the offending nosehair will be removed immediately and also assures us that Taylor "doesn't go to the bathroom."  Thank heaven!

Spade Gets Nuetered



Spade



Peepee-Pants



HOLLYWOOD: DAVID SPADE is having a ball...removed, that is!  The Sprite spokesman was recently spotted at the Hollywood Veterinary Clinic with his super-model girlfriend's puppy, Mister Peepee-Pants!  But there was a kooky mix-up! According to sources, the animal doctor mistook Spade for Peepee-Pants, giving him a junkectomy and rabbies shot!  Spade told papparazzi, in a very squeaky voice, "It totally blows, dudes.  Now, when I go to lick my wad?  Nothin'!"  Bad boy!

Man-o-Gram

Jugs Nicholson!

HOLLYWOOD: JACK NICHOLSON got the boobie prize...a mammogram that is! According to sources, the Academy Award winner shimmied his D-cup mud-flap into a mammography unit the size of a Belgian waffle iron! Great news, Fans! The Doc gave Jack a clean bill of health! Except for one thing...He has a creamy center!

Ballot-Box Block-head

Duh-lightful!

WASILLA:  Baby Daddy, LEVI JOHNSTON, is on the run...for Mayor, that is! The dim-witted Playgirl model held a press conference to discuss his up-&-coming campaign!  When reporters asked Levi what his platform was, he looked down at the floor and said, "Wood?"  When asked what his party was, he exclaimed, "Birthday party! Fun!"  When asked who his inspiration was, "Mayor McCheese!  He yummy for me?"  According to sources, Levi started drooling and focusing in on the shiny, shiny microphone in front of him! As the press shouted more questions, a listless Levi responded, "Pretty-pretty?" 

Eating for Two, Purging for One

Uh-mazing!

HOLLYWOOD:  RACHEL ZOE has a new "project"...she's preggers!  The fashionista stick-figure was recently spotted on the red carpet, wearing a Prada maternity muu-muu with matching mules!  According to sources, Rachel's water broke, but it weren't no water!  Rachel unloaded a gallon of Starbucks soy latte!  A bewildered and coffee-spattered Rachel observed, "Buh-nanas!"

Oompa Loompa Doompity Don't

NEW JERSEY:  SNOOKI'S got a sweet tooth!  The "Jersey Shore" star was recently spotted in the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory, groping every Oompa Loompa she could get her itty-bitty mitts on!  "They're my people!" she squealed, "We're the same size and color!"  According to sources, the pint-sized guidette was lifting her shirt, when she fell ass-backwards into a river of chocolate which led to a massive chocolate recall!  A spokesman for the Wonka Factory held a press conference, explaining, "Snooki contaminated countless millions of chocolate bars with her Human Papilloma Virus!"  Uh-oh, Fans!  Don't be surprised if your next candy bar gives you a lip sore!

Boyle Busted in Bus Bashing

Push it!

LONDON:  Warbling wall-flower, SUSAN BOYLE, has such strength...super-human strength, that is!  According to sources, the would-be drag-king was recently spotted hoisting a double-decker bus over her head to the amazement and delight of on-lookers!  With a tribal howl, the walrus-wannabe threw the massive vehicle into the Thames River with an earth shattering ker-splash!  It took twelve London police officers, armed with cattle-prods, to force the ballistic Boyle into the back of a paddy-wagon! When asked why she did it, a panting, sweating and disoriented Boyle explained, "Me hungry!"

Family Affair

Viagra, anyone?

HOLLYWOOD:  Oscar-winner, MORGAN FREEMAN, 72, and granddaughter/girlfriend (or "grand-friend") E'DENA HINES, 27, are celebrating an anniversary!  The age-differing duo met in 1983, when Morgan, 55, and E'Dena, 0, really hit it off!  According to sources, the two were recently spotted sharing an elegant evening at the Beverly Hills Hotel, where Morgan gave E'Dena an anniversary present befitting a granddaughter...a dollar!

Nut Job

Fill 'er up!

HOLLYWOOD:  MEG RYAN has a chubby...cheeks that is!  The former movie-star was recently spotted, atop an oak tree, stuffing acorns in her pudgy puss!  When papparazzi asked if Meg was squirreling away the nuts for winter, Meg explained, "No!  (slurp!)  I just can't afford fillers!"  According to sources, Meg is in talks with Alvin and the Chipmunks to star in Sleepless in Seattle...The Squeakquel!

What a Pill

Fun!

HOLLYWOOD:  DR. DREW has an addiction...to addicts!  The hunky medicine-man was recently spotted at the Hard Rock Cafe, sneaking up to ridiculous rocker, COURTNEY LOVE!  According to sources Dr. D through a sack over Courtneys' head as she kicked and screeched like a witch burning!  Later, in Dr. Drew's Sober House, the good doctor strapped sweaty Courtney to hospital gurney!  "Courtney,"  he said,  "pill-popping is a disease."  Courtney brightened, "You got a pill for that?"

Call a Spade a Spade

Brilliant!

HOLLYWOOD:  Funnyman, DAVID SPADE isn't kidding...when it comes to acting!  According to sources, the "Just Shoot Me" star uses the Stanislavski Method, insisting no one enter his trailer for hours at a time, as he labors to truly embody that signature snarky aloofness!  One unamed source said, "David was really focused during the shooting of his Sprite commercial.  It isn't just a paycheck to him.  He takes it very seriously as an artist and as a human being."  Nodding in agreement was David's super-model girlfriend, INGA SHMORGAN, with whom he is dating for her mind!