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SAN BERNARDINO: KEVIN FEDERLINE just received a full gravy transfusion! The "Celebrity Fit Club" star recently checked into a San Bernardino Hospital which teamed up with a local KFC! According to sources, a team of nurses hooked a maximum-gauge feeding-tube from Kevin's lovehandle into a vat o' drippins; turkey-basting him every hour on the hour! Today, Kevin has a new grease on life!
HOLLYWOOD: Rumors are flying that JOAN RIVERS and MICKEY ROURKE are the same person! According to sources, the daffy duo have never been seen in the same room at the same time! But insiders dubunk this bunk, claiming that Joan stood in for Mickey on the set of Iron Man 2! Says one producer, "She really kept us laughing! And she was a natural with the lightning whips!"
NEW JERSEY: Real Housewife of New Jersey, DANIELLE STAUB loves puppies so much, she could just eat them up...for realz! The delusional diva was recently spotted lunching at the Luigi Resaurantes off the NJ Turnpike, with fellow NJ Housewife and frenemy, KIM G! According to sources, Danielle was enjoying an arugala salad while sipping a Pinot-Grigio-and-Sprite when, suddenly, she reached down and scooped up Kim G's Pekingese, Coco! Danielle opened her cavernous yap and slowly slid Coco down her gullet like a python taking in a hamster! A hysterical Kim G screamed, "I never seen nothin' like it! She was like one o' them lizard people in 'V'!" A satiated Danielle retorted, "I gotta hit the gym!"
SANTA BARBARA: JOE and KATHY JACKSON are getting a divorce! According to sources, the daffy duo are seperating after 60 years of wedded bliss! When asked why, Kathy explained, "We didn't want to split until the kids graduated high school. We just didn't know it would take LaToya 57 years to get her GED!"
HOLLYWOOD: MONTANA FISHBURNE'S vagina has it's own Facebook page! According to sources, the jezebel's junk opened it's own Facebook account and made over 4,000 "friends" in the first five minutes! When asked for comment, a livid LAURENCE FISHBURNE shouted, "That va-jay-jay ain't no friend of mine!"
LAKE TAHOE: CHER'S got something under her skin! More Cher! Sources say the sixty-something super-star was recently spotted at Nevada's Agave Luxury Resort & Spa, splayed on a massage table, slowly slithering out of her husk! Upon shimmying out of her old layer, Cher looked youthful and refreshed! While her skin-bag, still wearing false eyelashes, a Christian Dior choker, and a g-string, was quickly discarded by spa staff members! But not before it posed for several pictures with star-struck locals! One fan squealed, "Cher wouldn't give me the time of day! But her bag was super nice!"
HOLLYWOOD: Something's bugging CHARLIE SHEEN! His pubis, that is! The Hollywood bad-boy was recently spotted outside his Beverly Hills mansion, wearing a crotchless biohazard suit, being fumigated by a crack team of Orkin Men! According to sources, the "One and a Half Men" star's pelt unleashed a swarm of army ants, fiddler crabs and a dwarf-stripper named Cupcake! A disoriented Cupcake shouted, "Where's my money?!"
HOLLYWOOD: GEORGE HAMILTON really put the "flash" in flash fried! Sources say the dashing casanova was recently spotted at a Beverly Hills Pizza Hut, wearing nothing but a yellow banana-hammock and a pair of tanning-goggles, as the cook slid him into the pizza oven! After 45 minutes of baking in the flames, Hamilton emerged, the color of a crispy pepperoni! A beaming (and smoking) Hamilton shouted to the bewildered onlookers, "Who wants to rub the olive oil on my back?!" Wow, he really makes the ladies drool!
DENVER: Action hero STEVEN SEAGAL has a big-kid's appetite! The tai-kwon-dough-boy was spotted in a Magic Pan on All-You-Can-Eat-Crepe-Night! Sources say the pony-tailed piggy gobbled up every scrap of revenue, as a teary-eyed staff begged him to stop! Local police arrived to find Seagal, his face slathered in sweet, sweet ricotta, shouting, "Do you know who I am?!!" They didn't!
HOLLYWOOD: VICTORIA BECKHAM is on the "Santa Barbara Scratch 'n' Sniff Diet"! Sources say the sexy scarecrow was spotted at a Bel Air Barnes & Noble, leafing through children's sticker books! The skinny-minny sniffed a picture of an egg-salad sandwich then fell back in her chair, shouting: "I'm stuffed!" Lookin' good, Sticktoria!
ORLANDO: Mega-athlete TIGER WOODS can't seem to keep it in his plaid golfing knickers! Sources spotted Tiger playing with his putter at the Putt Putt Mini Golf when, overcome with desire, the goofy golfer dragged the nearest garden gnome into the tiny windmill where he had his way with it. Mini Golf security surrounded the windmill insisting that Tiger "Come out with his glands up!"
DISNEYLAND: RYAN SEACREST is short...tempered, that is! Sources say the impish E! host was denied access onto popular Disneyland ride, Splash Mountain, having failed the height requirement of 42"! A steaming Seacrest squeaked, "Do you know who I am?" and marched into the It's a Small World ride where he was spotted kicking the springs out of a mechanical boy in lederhausen and verbally abusing a mechanical girl in a burka! Said one onlooker, "I thought it was one of the dolls having a malfunction!" How right you are!
LONDON: Chic she-devil, NAOMI CAMPBELL eats people! Sources say the devilish diva was spotted in her London penthouse, feasting on the face of her dead intern! Carnivorous Campbell coos, "I feed on human flesh to stay beautiful!" Other beauty tips include baby sacrifice and sucking the souls out of kittens!
HOLLYWOOD: Tween Cheesecake, CODY LINLEY is dead! Undead that is! Sources say the pubescent playah is set to potray a sexy teenaged zombie in the next "Twilight" movie! Girls are sure to melt as they gaze into his soulful sockets! When asked about his role, the sexy brain-muncher coos, "I like girls for their minds, if you know what I mean!"
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