Bumper to Bumper

HOLLYWOOD: CHARLIE SHEEN is at it again!  The "Two and a Half Men" star took his kids to the country fair, where he power-slammed several ciders before stumbling behind the wheel of a bumper-car!  According to sources, the Hollywood bad-boy was power-bumping sobbing children in an apple-enduced rage, before busting through the walls of the ride and onto the LA freeway!  After a 30 mile chase by LA Police, Charlie crashed!  When police pulled a disoriented Charlie out of the wreckage, he was covered in cotton candy and, inexplicably, nude!  As Charlie looked down at his junk he inquired, "Where's my wallet?"

Who Nose?

Disgusting!

HOLLYWOOD: Werewolf hunk, TAYLOR LAUTNER is really letting himself go!  And his fans are freaking out!  According to sources the werewolf hunk has a nose hair!  That's right!  Albeit, up his nose and out of view, a nose hair nonetheless! Teary-eyed tween, and Taylor fan, TIFFANY LUTZ explains, "Just knowing it's there! OMFG! It's just the grossest!" FANS! DON'T PANIC! Taylor's publicist insists that the offending nosehair will be removed immediately and also assures us that Taylor "doesn't go to the bathroom."  Thank heaven!

Spade Gets Nuetered



Spade



Peepee-Pants



HOLLYWOOD: DAVID SPADE is having a ball...removed, that is!  The Sprite spokesman was recently spotted at the Hollywood Veterinary Clinic with his super-model girlfriend's puppy, Mister Peepee-Pants!  But there was a kooky mix-up! According to sources, the animal doctor mistook Spade for Peepee-Pants, giving him a junkectomy and rabbies shot!  Spade told papparazzi, in a very squeaky voice, "It totally blows, dudes.  Now, when I go to lick my wad?  Nothin'!"  Bad boy!

Man-o-Gram

Jugs Nicholson!

HOLLYWOOD: JACK NICHOLSON got the boobie prize...a mammogram that is! According to sources, the Academy Award winner shimmied his D-cup mud-flap into a mammography unit the size of a Belgian waffle iron! Great news, Fans! The Doc gave Jack a clean bill of health! Except for one thing...He has a creamy center!

Ballot-Box Block-head

Duh-lightful!

WASILLA:  Baby Daddy, LEVI JOHNSTON, is on the run...for Mayor, that is! The dim-witted Playgirl model held a press conference to discuss his up-&-coming campaign!  When reporters asked Levi what his platform was, he looked down at the floor and said, "Wood?"  When asked what his party was, he exclaimed, "Birthday party! Fun!"  When asked who his inspiration was, "Mayor McCheese!  He yummy for me?"  According to sources, Levi started drooling and focusing in on the shiny, shiny microphone in front of him! As the press shouted more questions, a listless Levi responded, "Pretty-pretty?" 

Eating for Two, Purging for One

Uh-mazing!

HOLLYWOOD:  RACHEL ZOE has a new "project"...she's preggers!  The fashionista stick-figure was recently spotted on the red carpet, wearing a Prada maternity muu-muu with matching mules!  According to sources, Rachel's water broke, but it weren't no water!  Rachel unloaded a gallon of Starbucks soy latte!  A bewildered and coffee-spattered Rachel observed, "Buh-nanas!"

Oompa Loompa Doompity Don't

NEW JERSEY:  SNOOKI'S got a sweet tooth!  The "Jersey Shore" star was recently spotted in the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory, groping every Oompa Loompa she could get her itty-bitty mitts on!  "They're my people!" she squealed, "We're the same size and color!"  According to sources, the pint-sized guidette was lifting her shirt, when she fell ass-backwards into a river of chocolate which led to a massive chocolate recall!  A spokesman for the Wonka Factory held a press conference, explaining, "Snooki contaminated countless millions of chocolate bars with her Human Papilloma Virus!"  Uh-oh, Fans!  Don't be surprised if your next candy bar gives you a lip sore!

Boyle Busted in Bus Bashing

Push it!

LONDON:  Warbling wall-flower, SUSAN BOYLE, has such strength...super-human strength, that is!  According to sources, the would-be drag-king was recently spotted hoisting a double-decker bus over her head to the amazement and delight of on-lookers!  With a tribal howl, the walrus-wannabe threw the massive vehicle into the Thames River with an earth shattering ker-splash!  It took twelve London police officers, armed with cattle-prods, to force the ballistic Boyle into the back of a paddy-wagon! When asked why she did it, a panting, sweating and disoriented Boyle explained, "Me hungry!"

Family Affair

Viagra, anyone?

HOLLYWOOD:  Oscar-winner, MORGAN FREEMAN, 72, and granddaughter/girlfriend (or "grand-friend") E'DENA HINES, 27, are celebrating an anniversary!  The age-differing duo met in 1983, when Morgan, 55, and E'Dena, 0, really hit it off!  According to sources, the two were recently spotted sharing an elegant evening at the Beverly Hills Hotel, where Morgan gave E'Dena an anniversary present befitting a granddaughter...a dollar!

Nut Job

Fill 'er up!

HOLLYWOOD:  MEG RYAN has a chubby...cheeks that is!  The former movie-star was recently spotted, atop an oak tree, stuffing acorns in her pudgy puss!  When papparazzi asked if Meg was squirreling away the nuts for winter, Meg explained, "No!  (slurp!)  I just can't afford fillers!"  According to sources, Meg is in talks with Alvin and the Chipmunks to star in Sleepless in Seattle...The Squeakquel!

What a Pill

Fun!

HOLLYWOOD:  DR. DREW has an addiction...to addicts!  The hunky medicine-man was recently spotted at the Hard Rock Cafe, sneaking up to ridiculous rocker, COURTNEY LOVE!  According to sources Dr. D through a sack over Courtneys' head as she kicked and screeched like a witch burning!  Later, in Dr. Drew's Sober House, the good doctor strapped sweaty Courtney to hospital gurney!  "Courtney,"  he said,  "pill-popping is a disease."  Courtney brightened, "You got a pill for that?"

Call a Spade a Spade

Brilliant!

HOLLYWOOD:  Funnyman, DAVID SPADE isn't kidding...when it comes to acting!  According to sources, the "Just Shoot Me" star uses the Stanislavski Method, insisting no one enter his trailer for hours at a time, as he labors to truly embody that signature snarky aloofness!  One unamed source said, "David was really focused during the shooting of his Sprite commercial.  It isn't just a paycheck to him.  He takes it very seriously as an artist and as a human being."  Nodding in agreement was David's super-model girlfriend, INGA SHMORGAN, with whom he is dating for her mind!

Practical Choke

Suprise!

HOLLYWOOD: ASHTON KUTCHER got the last laugh!  According to sources, the kooky hunk was face-first in a hot-tub of hotties, motorboating the boobies of fun-loving slut-waitress TIFFANY BOOZLER, when, all of a sudden, who should come bursting through the door? Why it's Ashton's cougar-wife, DEMI MOORE, alongside an MTV camera crew!  Ashton got Punk'd!  After everyone shared a good yuk, Ashton tweeted, "Aww, sHt! my Kreer'z in trUbl!"

Jack Off All Trades

Fingered!

GOSSIP GOSSIP GOSSIP!  POLITICAL EDITION

DELAWARE:  Teabagger, GOVERNOR CHRISTINE O'DONNELL won't flog the donkey...and I ain't talkin' Democrats!  According to sources the wack-a-doodle witchy-poo is running for Senate on an anti-monkey-spanking platform!  Lucky for Christine, teenaged boys are too young to vote!  When questioned by the press, a "tight-lipped" O'Donnell declared, "Look at me!  Would you want to jerk this off?!"  Is that a lever in your voting booth, or are you just glad to see me?! 

Escape from Galcatraz

BEL AIR: LINDSAY LOHAN is back in the clink!  But not for looong!  The incarerationista was recently spotted tunnelling her way out of her cell...with her itty-bitty little coke spoon!  According to sources, the sassy starlet has managed to tunnel through her cell wall, two whole inches!  Looking fabulous in orange coveralls and a pair of high-heeled crocs, LILO told reporters, "If I could only get my seven day sentence extended to 100 years, I just know I could bust out of here!"  But prison officials say LINDSAY is having a heck of a time snorting all that debris! 

Gothic Gossip Girl Goes Garbage Gobbling

NEW YORK:  Star of TV's "Gossip Girl", TAYLOR MOMSEN, has really let all that mascara go to her head!  According to sources, the raccoon-wannabe was recently spotted, face-first, in a Manhattan trash-can foraging for scraps!  The brooding beauty was reportedly using her opposable thumbs to nibble on a chicken skin, when local officials shooed her away!  Says one New York cop, "She hissed at us, used a glob of tar to reapply, and disappeared into the backdoor of the Marquee Nightclub!"  Somebody needs a rabies shot!  You go girl!

The View Moo

NEW YORK: BARBARA WALTERS is having a cow...heart!  Babs is back at "The View" after her human heart was successfully replaced with a shiny new cow valve!  But, according to sources, Babs has been acting a little funny lately!  Wearing a Tiffany cowbell and chewing a wad of Godiva cud, wacky Walters insists that her dressing room be fashioned with a trough of Veuve Clicquot mimosas!  As if that wasn't enough, culinary gremlin, RACHAEL RAY, was recently caught by ABC security, Babs Tipping!

Double Down-Size

HOLLYWOOD: HEIDI MONTAG needs to get something off her chest...Her chest!   The fake reality starlet is getting her Z-cups "paired" down!  According to sources, Heidi worked out a deal with the good people at Mattel!  All liquid plastic guzzled from Heidi's jello molds will be sucked into a boob tube and fed into the Mattel factory, where it will be used in the production of over 5,000 Malibu Barbies!  Wow, Heidi, you must feel renewed...and renewable!

She's a She

HOLLYWOOD:  This just in!  JAMIE LEE CURTIS has a vagina!  I repeat: Jamie Lee Curtis has a vagina!  According to sources, the Activia Spokesman/woman, who has been posing as a hermaphrodite for the past 52 years, has been outed by Gynocologist to the Stars, DR. EUGENE GLICKER in his tell-all book: Read My Lips: An Inside Look with Dr. Va-Jay-Jay! now available at Waldenbooks!  A befudled Curtis shouted at a crowd of paparazzi, "Keep yer pants on!"

Fatterline: On the Good Ship Gravy Boat

SAN BERNARDINO:  KEVIN FEDERLINE just received a full gravy transfusion!  The "Celebrity Fit Club" star recently checked into a San Bernardino Hospital which teamed up with a local KFC!  According to sources, a team of nurses hooked a maximum-gauge feeding-tube from Kevin's lovehandle into a vat o' drippins; turkey-basting him every hour on the hour!  Today, Kevin has a new grease on life!

Gruesome Twosome

HOLLYWOOD:  Rumors are flying that JOAN RIVERS and MICKEY ROURKE are the same person!  According to sources, the daffy duo have never been seen in the same room at the same time! But insiders dubunk this bunk, claiming that Joan stood in for Mickey on the set of Iron Man 2!  Says one producer, "She really kept us laughing!  And she was a natural with the lightning whips!"

Doggy Bag in Chew Jersey

NEW JERSEY: Real Housewife of New Jersey, DANIELLE STAUB loves puppies so much, she could just eat them up...for realz!  The delusional diva was recently spotted lunching at the Luigi Resaurantes off the NJ Turnpike, with fellow NJ Housewife and frenemy, KIM G!  According to sources, Danielle was enjoying an arugala salad while sipping a Pinot-Grigio-and-Sprite when, suddenly, she reached down and scooped up Kim G's Pekingese, Coco!  Danielle opened her cavernous yap and slowly slid Coco down her gullet like a python taking in a hamster!  A hysterical Kim G screamed, "I never seen nothin' like it!  She was like one o' them lizard people in 'V'!"  A satiated Danielle retorted, "I gotta hit the gym!"

Splitsville in Neverland

SANTA BARBARA: JOE and KATHY JACKSON are getting a divorce! According to sources, the daffy duo are seperating after 60 years of wedded bliss! When asked why, Kathy explained, "We didn't want to split until the kids graduated high school.  We just didn't know it would take LaToya 57 years to get her GED!"

Fish Face

HOLLYWOOD: MONTANA FISHBURNE'S vagina has it's own Facebook page!  According to sources, the jezebel's junk opened it's own Facebook account and made over 4,000 "friends" in the first five minutes! When asked for comment, a livid LAURENCE FISHBURNE shouted, "That va-jay-jay ain't no friend of mine!"

Cher Share's Chi-Chi Sheath

LAKE TAHOE: CHER'S got something under her skin! More Cher!  Sources say the sixty-something super-star was recently spotted at Nevada's Agave Luxury Resort & Spa, splayed on a massage table, slowly slithering out of her husk! Upon shimmying out of her old layer, Cher looked youthful and refreshed! While her skin-bag, still wearing false eyelashes, a Christian Dior choker, and a g-string, was quickly discarded by spa staff members!  But not before it posed for several pictures with star-struck locals!  One fan squealed, "Cher wouldn't give me the time of day! But her bag was super nice!"

Crabs, Scabs...and Fab!

HOLLYWOOD: Something's bugging CHARLIE SHEEN!  His pubis, that is! The Hollywood bad-boy was recently spotted outside his Beverly Hills mansion, wearing a crotchless biohazard suit, being fumigated by a crack team of Orkin Men!  According to sources, the "One and a Half Men" star's pelt unleashed a swarm of army ants, fiddler crabs and a dwarf-stripper named Cupcake!  A disoriented Cupcake shouted, "Where's my money?!"

Handsome-Devil or Deviled-Ham?

HOLLYWOOD: GEORGE HAMILTON really put the "flash" in flash fried! Sources say the dashing casanova was recently spotted at a Beverly Hills Pizza Hut, wearing nothing but a yellow banana-hammock and a pair of tanning-goggles, as the cook slid him into the pizza oven!  After 45 minutes of baking in the flames, Hamilton emerged, the color of a crispy pepperoni!  A beaming (and smoking) Hamilton shouted to the bewildered onlookers, "Who wants to rub the olive oil on my back?!"  Wow, he really makes the ladies drool!

Steven Seagal Don't Take No Crepe

DENVER: Action hero STEVEN SEAGAL has a big-kid's appetite!  The tai-kwon-dough-boy was spotted in a Magic Pan on All-You-Can-Eat-Crepe-Night!  Sources say the pony-tailed piggy gobbled up every scrap of revenue, as a teary-eyed staff begged him to stop!  Local police arrived to find Seagal, his face slathered in sweet, sweet ricotta, shouting, "Do you know who I am?!!" They didn't!

Posh Don't Nosh

HOLLYWOOD: VICTORIA BECKHAM is on the "Santa Barbara Scratch 'n' Sniff Diet"!  Sources say the sexy scarecrow was spotted at a Bel Air Barnes & Noble, leafing through children's sticker books!  The skinny-minny sniffed a picture of an egg-salad sandwich then fell back in her chair, shouting: "I'm stuffed!"  Lookin' good, Sticktoria!

Tiger's Wood

ORLANDO: Mega-athlete TIGER WOODS can't seem to keep it in his plaid golfing knickers! Sources spotted Tiger playing with his putter at the Putt Putt Mini Golf when, overcome with desire, the goofy golfer dragged the nearest garden gnome into the tiny windmill where he had his way with it. Mini Golf security surrounded the windmill insisting that Tiger "Come out with his glands up!"

Tiny Tantrum in Toon Town

DISNEYLAND: RYAN SEACREST is short...tempered, that is! Sources say the impish E! host was denied access onto popular Disneyland ride, Splash Mountain, having failed the height requirement of 42"! A steaming Seacrest squeaked, "Do you know who I am?" and marched into the It's a Small World ride where he was spotted kicking the springs out of a mechanical boy in lederhausen and verbally abusing a mechanical girl in a burka!  Said one onlooker, "I thought it was one of the dolls having a malfunction!" How right you are!

Naomi Cannibal

LONDON: Chic she-devil, NAOMI CAMPBELL eats people!  Sources say the devilish diva was spotted in her London penthouse, feasting on the face of her dead intern!  Carnivorous Campbell coos, "I feed on human flesh to stay beautiful!"  Other beauty tips include baby sacrifice and sucking the souls out of kittens!

I Was a Teenaged Corpse

HOLLYWOOD: Tween Cheesecake, CODY LINLEY is dead!  Undead that is!  Sources say the pubescent  playah is set to potray a sexy teenaged zombie in the next "Twilight" movie! Girls are sure to melt as they gaze into his soulful sockets!  When asked about his role, the sexy brain-muncher coos, "I like girls for their minds, if you know what I mean!"

Read My Liver Lips

HOLLYWOOD:  TARA REID'S liver has had it!  Sources say the ornery organ shimmied out of Tara's beautiful backside while the bumbling boozanista guzzled a bottle of Bubblegum Stoli!  The lively liver snatched Tara's Blackberry and texted "Save me!" to DR. DREW!

Face Value

HOLLYWOOD: The bad economy has hit everybody!  Even the rich and fabulous!  Sources say, LATOYA JACKSON just got a Recessionista Rhinoplasty! The daffy diva drove her Hot Pink Escalade past the hospitals and right into a pumpkin patch, where she got her latest nose job from toothless pumpkin carver, PA COTTONWOOD!  Sources say Latoya asked for "The Triangle."  She looks great!...The Great Pumpkin, that is!

Lowdown Lohan Lands Lucrative Lug-Work

HOLLYWOOD: Father of the Year, MICHEAL LOHAN scores big gig as spokesman!  Sources say MiLo is is now the face of Summers Eve Douche Bags!  Ecstatic Summers Eve execs explain, "Takes one to know one!"

Smiley Miley Does Dwarves

DISNEYLAND:  Jailbait juggernaut, MILEY CYRUS was recently spotted in Snow White's Cottage, Disneyland,  doling lap-dances to the Seven Dwarves!  Talk about a Happy Ending!  When Miley's work was done, they were re-named: Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy and Dopey!  (Dopey's gay!)

Passion of the Creep

HOLLYWOOD:  MEL GIBSON is at it again!  Sources say the babbling booze-bag was recently spotted stumbling into an FAO Schwarz, screaming that Big Toy had been "taken over by the Jews!" while attacking a toy store employee who was wearing a cuddly HELLO KITTY costume!  The frightened feline flailed feebly as manical Mel repeatedly kicked her in the coccyx, screaming that Big Kitty had been "taken over by the Japs!"

Kim-Kar Kanoodles with Jail-Bait Bieber

HOLLYWOOD: It's official!  Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber are dating!  The Goddess of Glutes was recently spotted at a Hot Hollywood Hangout with her brand-new BF in a bouncing in a baby bjorn!  Kim-Kar looked magniferious in a Marchesa mini, while the Justinator sported a sporty Garanimals Onsey! After a wild night of partying, the Fabu-Two retired to a public changing-station for a romantic evening of powder and Desitin!

Kim Kardashian's Kardiac-Krushing Kommercial Kick

HOLLYWOOD:  Famous Person, KIM KARDASHIAN is peddling products from the unflatteringly fattening to the fitness-freaky fat-burning!  The Dazzling Dizzy Doozy can be spotted sexily suckling the Carls Jr. Fat-Fried Flab-o-burger! Change the channel and Kim's Gorgeous Glutes are the face of Quick Trim's weight-droppin', pill-poppin', heart-stoppin' diet drugs!  What a heart breaker!  According to sources, the Statuesque Sexbot shall receive a reported $1,000,000 for cross-promoting the fabulous Cardiax Defibrillator!  Wow, Kim, you really put the "Drop Dead" in Drop-Dead Gorgeous! 

Loopy Lindsay's La-La Land Alchie Alibi as Booze-O-Meter goes Berserk

BEVERLY HILLS COURTHOUSE  According to Authorities, LINDSAY LOHAN'S Margarita-Monitor was more lit than SHIA LABEOUF at Beerfest!  Swaying before a Judge, LiLo the Stitch swore it was "all a zany mix-up," claiming she was innocently suckling a Juice-Box of Sunny-D, while doing the Hoky-Poky with the kooky cast of "Yo Gabba Gabba" in the Rumpus Room at Hogwarts!  When, all of a sudden, wouldn't you know it, a unicorn on roller blades, bumped Lindsay into a Kiddy-Pool filled with Listerine Mouthwash!  Lindsay had to drink herself out or drown!  Sources say the Judge gave Lindsay a slap on the wrist!  But Liquor-Lappin' Lindsay didn't feel a thing!

Brooke Shields Goes Clubbing...Baby Seals

HOLLYWOOD:  Fur Fashionista BROOKE SHIELDS, was recently spotted at the Hollywood City Zoo, on a chic-o-rific shopping spree!  Looking fabu in full-length kitten, beaver muff with panda-skin fanny-pack, the Blue Lagooness bought-up every cuddly critter she could get her mink-mitts on!  Sources say PETA, cleverly disguised as Orangutans, doused the Latisse Spokeswoman in Heinz Ketchup!  The "Suddenly Susan" Star fled the Guerilla Gorillas, making a B-line for the Nickelodeon Studios, where she settled for the next cutest thing!  JUSTIN BIEBER!  According to sources, Beautiful Brooke had the Tween Sensation skinned and turned into a comfortable pair of hair-do lined Uggs!

Hugh Done It

PLAYBOY MANSION:  Doddering Dirty Bird, HUGH HEFNER was recently spotted in his infamous "Infirmary of Infidelity" where he was cane-banging not one, not two, but four PLAYBOY BUNNIES!  With the rubberized tips of his walker!  According to KENDRA, (Ex-Girlfriend # 134,005) the Geriatric Gigolo is "as Frisky as a Fratboy...who needs Woody Pills, Daddy Diapers and a Difibulator."

Batty Brangelina Buys Bushel of Bargain-Basement Babies

HAITI:  Baby Hoarders, BRAD PITT and ANGELINA JOLIE, shopped 'til they ker-plopped at an Hapless Haitian Orphanage! According to sources, the HAITIAN GOVERNMENT gave the Maternal Maniacs 15 minutes to fill their shopping cart with as many Diaper Dumpers as they could get their gorgeous mitts on!  Snatching-up a reported 45 Spitter-Uppers, the Devastating Duo chose paper over plastic.

Frugal Fergie Fudges Funds

LONDON:  Desperate Discount Duchess, FERGIE, is reportedly living out of a delapidated double-decker bus in lower London's Meat-Pie District!  London Locals have dubbed the dump "Suckingham Palace," claiming the Daffy Duchess of Yuck has traded her tiara for a tinfoil hat!  And dining on the discarded fish-n-chips of a nearby Mickey-D's dumpster!  God Save the Unclean!

Oafish Oprah Bubble-Bathes Bewildered Bieber

CHICAGO:  Dieting Deity, OPRAH WINFREY was recently spotted in her Harpo Studio bubble-bath, mistakenly using eensy-tweensy, JUSTIN BIEBER as a loofa for her bulbous back-sack! 
Though shaken, JUSTIN, said it was an honor to sluff such a big celebrity, adding, "I loved him in Shrek."